"She told me …!" series

 "I don't love my daughter!"

 Some people may feel astonished at hearing such a statement; they rather think it is a deviation from the human nature deep-rooted by Allah in every mother. Moreover, they may look down upon that woman; how can she throw away such a gift that Allah bestowed on her instead feeling extremely grateful to Him?

 In fact, this woman deserves our deep sympathy not our lashing. She is really tormented with this feeling; this is what I had figured out throughout a number of consultation sessions that ended up with the mother's clear-cut confession that she doesn't know how to love her son or daughter and that she is trying very hard to change but she can't. She declares that all the outrage that she practices with them is nothing but a subconscious behavior she can’t help it, because deep in her heart she feels she doesn't love her son or daughter.

 Let's open up this issue for discussion, hoping we can provide any mother suffering from this feeling with the first steps to regain her love for her children.   

 Let's start with the root causes that may lead the mother to feel that way:

• One of the most non-obvious reasons that lead the mother to this behavior is to have a child with one of the characteristics that really exists in her own personality but she, in fact, hates it. Subconsciously, the mother projects this hatred on her child; as he/she embodies that bad attribute that she hates in her own character.

• Also when the daughter/son looks typically like one of the mother's relatives whom she, indeed, doesn't like; as he/she reminds her with that particular relative every time she looks at her own child.

• Sometimes, when the mother decides to dedicate herself to her children without being satisfied deep inside with that role that she plays, she feels that her children standing like an obstacle in her way preventing her from building up her career. This also makes her feel that without them she would have become a great person and she would have achieved so and so ….

• Moreover, the mother's feelings towards her husband play a key role in loving her children, especially during pregnancy because this affects the way and extent to which she accepts and loves this new-born baby.

• The beauty of the daughter and the way people are attracted to her affect low self-confident mothers' love towards their daughters. Low self-confident mothers, always, derive their self-confidence from the outer world, and when the responses are negative especially from the daughter, the mother shifts this rejection towards the daughter herself.  

• Childhood bad experiences can significantly affect the mother. If we presumed that "you can't get blood out of stones"; by the same token, the mother who was deprived of love and compassion in her early childhood will care only about herself and beauty, won't feel responsible towards her children, will always attribute her failure in dealing with them to their personalities and won't admit her negligence to them.

 This is the real feeling of the mother who needs our consideration, support and help to regain her love for her children.

 Dear mother, to you I whisper:

 v  First of all, remember how Allah Almighty has blessed and honored you by making the "heaven beneath your feet". Remember how one man entered the paradise because of his mother's gratification while another man deprived of it because of his mother's anger with him. Remember the Hadith[1] of the prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) in which a man asked him who is the one who most deserves my companionship?, see how the prophet repeated "your mother" three times then said "then your father" just one time. Don't you see how the prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) appreciates your efforts, fatigue and sacrifices you do for the sake of your children?!!!

v  Come on, remember also that by your care for your children your life will not actually end; as the prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) said in the Hadith: "When a man dies his deeds are cut off except for three: recurring charity, knowledge by which people benefit and a righteous son who supplicates for him". So, leaving a righteous son/daughter behind after your death represents the continuity of your life. Dear sister, you are in a great grace as Allah Almighty has chosen you to bestow you this blessing.  

v  You should know that the role you play in raising your children should not stand as an obstacle in your way to prove yourself in this life. Beside this major role you play, find another objective and translate it into a tangible behavior or a description of a business you actually run from home or through the Internet. The most important thing for this business is to be a means to achieve your goal, but at the same time not to be inconsistent with your home duties. This objective that you seek to reach could be something you used to do in the past like memorizing the Holy Quran, or could be an enterprise you run from home or anything else. Finally, I advice you to first well-organize and manage your time in order to succeed in whatever you are doing.

v  Dear mother, I want you to derive your self-confidence from within. Find out what makes you distinctive and believe in it. Don't let all what people say affects you. Listen to what they say, but at the same time don't make it your only reference when it comes to do with your self-confidence.

v  Your daughter's bad attributes that you don't like and you also have in your character are not your fault neither hers. Try to differentiate between you and your daughter. If you have a negative characteristic, try to read and consult an expert to learn how to deal with it and get rid of it. But when it comes to your daughter, it is a different thing. Try to know how to deal with her bad attributes without punishing her, also read books that would help you with that and consult an expert to let you know how to train her in an appropriate way to control and get rid of that attributes.

v  Try hard, do your best and tell yourself that there is a difference between what bothers me and the world around me. You should know that there is a difference between your daughter and the person you hates that she looks like. She is only your own daughter and doesn't have anything in common with the person you hate except for the outer appearance.

v  Tell yourself I love my daughter because she is my own daughter. I don't love her for the sake of her beauty, excellence or anything else. My duty towards her is to support her with everything that would make her happy in her life.

v  Have your own time in which you can enjoy going out for a walk with your husband or one of your relatives. Appoint another time in which you can enjoy playing or talking with your children. Your soul deserves to have a break, from time to time, from all the duties and roles that you play.

 To everyone who knows a mother who feels that way, and to every mother struggling with those feelings from time to time, take my advice, enjoy your motherhood, taste it.  Believe me, what a wonderful feeling to be a mother! Only those who are deprived of being mothers can appreciate this feeling.

 Thank Allah for being a mother. Enjoy your motherhood and the childhood of your children as well!

 Until we meet again with a new journey and a new question from a mother in our section "She told me …!"

Mona Ahmed Awad

 Researcher and educational consultant to the Association a big heart